That Never Happened!
by Valkace
Summary: Naruto and his classmates travel back in time from the future. Before it's too late, they must against all odds unite the ninja world.
1. Chapter 1

**Naruto: That Never Happened!**

Synopsis: Naruto and classmates travel back in time. Before it's too late, they must against all odds unite the ninja world.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, I would be writing something I could get paid for…so, since I'm writing this, I probably don't own Naruto.

* * *

**Once upon a time in Konohagakure…**

"Brat! Get back here!" Mizuki shouted as he chased Naruto through the dark forest. Suddenly, he tripped and fell on his face.

"So, that's the real Mizuki, huh?" Nara Shikamaru stepped out of the shadows, hands in his pockets.

Mizuki scrambled to his feet…and froze. Realization dawned as he saw a shadow stretch from him to Shikamaru. "Let me go!" he snarled.

Kiba appeared with Akamaru on his head. "I've never seen him so…lively."

"Pity," Tenten said as she leaped from her branch to the ground. "He would have been SO much more interesting in class."

Mizuki's eyes widened as a group of his students entered the clearing. "What the hell?"

"You…you…you! Ugh! I had a crush on you once!" Ino spat at Mizuki.

There was a pause as everyone stared at Ino.

"Umm, guys?" Shino asked. "Remember what we're here to do?"

"You had a crush on Mizuki?" Sakura asked.

Ino shrugged. "I was going through a bishounen phase."

Chouji cocked his head. "Isn't Mizuki…I don't know…a little old for that?"

Shino waved his hands. "Hello? Mission? Remember?"

"It's not like I had options. I was already into Sas-."

"Don't remind me." Sasuke said. "Please."

Neji deliberately stroked his long hair. "What do you mean, you didn't have options?"

Shino waved wildly. "Focus! Mission! Life or death! Hellooo?"

Ino covered her eyes with her hands. "Neji. Hyuuga hair is bishounen, but you need pupils and irises to pull it off."

"I had those once," Neji replied.

"That was a trick!" Ino screamed at him. "Those were contact lenses!"

Hinata snorted. "You should have known it was a trick."

Lee appeared out of the shadows. "Naruto is ready! We must hurry."

Sakura and the others approached Mizuki, cracking their knuckles. "I'd like to say this is for every test you made harder."

"Every time you made one of us fail," Neji added.

"Every time you sneered." Kiba said.

Hinata smiled sweetly. "But really, we just need your beaten, unconscious body in another clearing."

Mizuki gulped.

Shikamaru released his kagemane no jutsu as the first punch landed.

And there was much rejoicing. And violence.

"He's out!" Neji held up Mizuki's unconscious body.

"Lee! I need a little head trauma!" Ino said.

Lee brought his fists up on either side of Mizuki's head and batted it around.

"Okay, thanks!" Ino put her had on Mizuki's forehead. "Okay. Recent memories…there we go. Nice and jumbled." She concentrated momentarily, then stood back. "Done. Last 5 minutes of his memory is shot."

"Good." Shikamaru said. "Lee, help Neji carry Mizuki and let's go watch Naruto's showdown."

* * *

**At a clearing**

"So that is how Naruto graduated originally." Lee observed from the group's hiding place as they watched Iruka give his headband to Naruto.

Sakura and Hinata sniffed. "That's so sweet."

Kiba gave them a disgusted look. "Can we go? I'm losing manliness here."

"Huh-uh." Sasuke shook his head. "This is the only time I'll get to see him cry. I'm committing _everything_ to memory."

Sakura froze at Sasuke's comment. Only Hinata noticed her bite her hip and hug herself.

"Men." Tenten said disgustedly. "Er…I mean, boys."

"Shh." Shikamaru said. "Shino? Black chakra shield, please."

Shino raised his arms to shoulder level. Kikai bugs swarmed out of his sleeves and rose like a small tent above the group. "Shield in place. Our chakra won't be sensed unless it spikes."

Neji had his Byakugan activated. "Incoming!" he hissed. "Chuunin...jounin…wow, ANBU even."

Naruto's future teammates watched as the ninja of Konoha swarmed the small clearing and Iruka briefly summarized the events of the night. Two of the ninja picked up Mizuki's body while two more stood close by just in case.

"Chouji?" Shikamaru whispered. "Stop chewing."

Chouji sighed and quietly put away his bag of twizzlers.

Medic-nins arrived with a stretcher, and helped Iruka onto it before running off with him to the hospital. The rest of the gathered ninja escorted Naruto to the Hokage.

Five minutes after they were all gone, Shikamaru took a deep breath. "All right, let's go. Lee, got the copy?"

Lee held up a large scroll. Yup.

* * *

**Later, at Sasuke's apartment**

"Drinks, anyone?" Sasuke asked as the group (minus Naruto who was telling the Tale of Mizuki to the Hokage) entered his apartment. From the roof. Through the window.

"Not if it's water!" Kiba replied, yawning. Yawns are like chocolate chip cookies, you can't have just one. Sakura yawned next, Shikamaru did it out of habit, but Ino caught it next and it went through the whole group.

Sasuke looked hurt. "Kiba, have I ever offered you water before?"

All of a sudden, everyone was VERY interested in what Sasuke had. He smirked. "The Leaf's _finest_ barley product."

"You have Leaf Lager?" Hinata asked. Sasuke grinned, nodding.

"Awesome, man." Kiba said. "I'll have one."

Shino raised his hand, "Can I have some?"

"How did you buy it?" Ino asked suspiciously.

"No, Kakashi bought it." Sasuke replied as he began handing out the bottles, "Sure, Shino."

"Really?" Tenten asked.

Sasuke grinned. "Well, that's what the grocer says…or will say. I think he's honest, so I believe him."

Sakura took her bottle to the couch and began examining the copy of the Forbidden Scroll.

_Hm. Kage Bunshin no Jutsu, that's where Naruto learned it from. Next? Slippery no Jutsu. Could be useful when fighting a grappler or in a trap. Lizard Energy no Jutsu? Geez, take a soldier pill. Modified Baika no Jutsu, Coconuts. What? Modified Baika no Jutsu, Beef Whistle. What the hell?_ Sakura's face went pinker than her hair. _Viagra no Jutsu…_

Sakura shrieked and dropped the Forbidden Scroll like it was toxic.

"Sakura?" Everyone looked at her. "Are you ok?" Ino asked.

"It's…they're….they're all…."

Ino and Hinata hugged Sakura. "It's okay. You can tell us."

"Maybe we should not read it if it is that bad." Neji said thoughtfully.

"It's all…_pervert_ jutsu!" Sakura spat.

"What?"

Ino spun around and grabbed the scroll.

"Ooh! I wanna see!" Hinata grabbed the other end to open it.

"Hey, don't hog it!" Kiba protested.

Tenten squeezed in closer. "Really? This is amazing! Who would have thought?"

Shikamaru stared at her.

Sasuke looked over at the scroll and frowned. "Hey, I know that one. And that one. Learned the one on the right in Rock. Cloud has a different version of the one second from left; it's pretty interesting."

Naruto came in the window at that moment. "We don't need to hear those…adventure stories, Sasuke."

Ino, Tenten, and Hinata looked at Naruto, then back at Sasuke. "Dish."

Sasuke shrugged at Naruto. "Three-to-one. Sorry, man, gotta dish."

"Naruto," Shikamaru interrupted, "we're back, we're set, we've got the most horrible future in the world to avoid. What's the plan?"

The room went quiet.

Naruto grabbed a beer from the fridge. "The plan is we conquer the world." He opened the bottle and grinned. "The first step will be in Wave."

* * *

**NOTES FROM THE FUTURE:**

**Kiba:** In the future, Inuzuka Kiba rose to the rank of Jounin Commander/Attack. He prefers blitzkrieg/swift attacks. He developed the Inuzuka clan dogs to the level of boss summons thanks to help from the Akimichi clan. The bingo book mysteriously recorded Akamaru as the first nonhuman to master not only one, but two elements with his Dynamic Air Marking somehow listed as an S-rank acidic attack. This sparked an incident with Kirigakure due to the fact that even Mizukage Mei Terumi's acid mist was not S-ranked.

Author's Note: Thanks for reading. I appreciate any comments for improving.


	2. Chapter 2

**Naruto: That Never Happened!**

Synopsis: Naruto and classmates travel back in time. Before it's too late, they must against all odds unite the ninja world and write a new summary.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, I would be writing something I could get paid for…so, since I'm writing this, I probably don't own Naruto.

By the way, I respect you authors much more now. Writing from scratch is like an order of magnitude harder than observing/commenting how a story could be written better. I especially admire those of you that know how to write the parts you need to write to get to the parts you really want to write…

Readers, thank you for reading! The plot bunnies multiplied after the first chapter, so I've had a little trouble trying to figure out how to work them all in. At this point, I've decided I can't make some of them work in this story, so I'm shelving the extras so we can get on with the story.

* * *

**Remember the Mighty**

Shikamaru arrived early for the team selections of the newly minted Ninja Academy graduates. Naruto was already in his seat, happily humming.

Too happily. Especially since he was the only other person there.

Shikamaru slowly looked around the classroom. Aha. On the huge blackboard was written "CONGRATULATIONS!" and in smaller letters "These were the easy tests!"

"Morning, Shika!" Naruto said.

Not seeing anything else, Shikamaru walked up to Naruto's row and took a seat next to him.

After a moment, Shikamaru asked, "What do we need for Wave?"

Naruto's smile faded and his eyes became serious, "I need your team along."

Shikamaru snorted. With anyone else, that would have meant they were about to say:"Yeah, right! Like the Hokage's gonna do that because we ask him!" It did go through Shikamaru's mind, but by the time he was ready to make the effort of producing words, his mind was already long past that.

"With or without Asuma-sensei?" Shikamaru finally asked.

"It's really you, Ino, and Chouji that I think I'll need," Naruto said, "Without Asuma-sensei we could work more easily, but we can deal if he comes."

Shikamaru looked up at the clouds – well, the ceiling, anyway. "I'll see what I can work up. If we do some of these early D-rank missions together, it would probably help the adults put our teams together when the time comes."

Naruto nodded.

Shikamaru stood up and moved to his usual seat.

Chouji was the next student to enter.

Shikamaru was staring at the empty blackboard with his elbows on the desk and hands clasped in front of his chin. Most people would think that Shikamaru was spacing out, but Chouji could tell he was in deep thought.

Chouji was also deep in thought as he went up the steps to the row he and Shikamaru sat in.

He stared blankly at his seat. It was not really a seat, just an empty spot in the bench next to where Shikamaru sat.

Shikamaru looked up at him. "Hey, Chouji. What's up?"

"I don't know." Chouji replied. He sat down.

"I got into a fight with my parents." Chouji admitted.

Shikamaru turned to look at him.

"It hit me, Shika," Chouji said, "we're kids again. We're not adults; we're not jounin. We're not even genin; we're children now! How are we supposed to make a difference? How can we do anything? Who would believe us if we told them?"

Shikamaru dropped his hands to the desk. "Naruto has –"

"I don't care _what_ Naruto says!" Chouji interrupted vehemently. "We're _twelve_! We're _children_! Who's going to let _us_ do what we want? Who's going to listen to _us_?"

Shikamaru started to reply, but the classroom door opened and some of their former classmates enter.

Shikamaru instead put his hand on Chouji's shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"It's fine if you don't trust Naruto, Chouji. But trust _me_. Things are already starting to be different."

"Yo, fatass!" a boy that Chouji would rather forget entered. The boy who used to ridicule him. _Just ignore him. This is the last time you have to._

"Chouji!" the boy said, "if you even manage to become a ninja, you'll be Chouji the Fat-Ass."

Chouji bristled, but clenched his fists and held his anger in.

"He's not Chouji the Fat-Ass." Naruto challenged. "He's Chouji the Mighty."

Surprised, Chouji turned and looked at Naruto, who was now standing up on his row's desk. Naruto glared at the boy. "Chouji's one of the greatest ninja ever! He'll single-handedly defeat a team of jounin like a bunch of Academy graduates. He'll solo S-rank missions that ANBU squads wouldn't take! His name's gonna come up whenever other ninja talk about the greatest ones from Konoha. 'Chouji the Mighty,' they'll tell their genin, 'remember that name and never fight him.' The Lord of Fire Country will name the highest ninja medal after Chouji._ That's_ who Chouji is!"

Chouji stared at Naruto, eyes brimming. _How did he know about that?_ Chouji clenched his fists, but not with frustration. He _was_ Akimichi Chouji, Jounin of Konoha, who had single-handedly defeated a squad of Iwagakure jounin. He was Akimichi Chouji, one of the mighty defenders of Konoha. One of the legendary Kyuunin, and no brat was going to take that from him. Ever.

The boy scoffed. "Bullshit." He turned to Chouji. "He isn't –"

"You saying something, worm?" Chouji spat at him. "Sit down, shut your yap, and turn your ears on if you want to be a ninja. I hope you make the cut."

"I _made_ the cut!" the boy retorted, pointing to his headband.

"You ain't made _nothing _yet!" Chouji replied. "But I hope you do."

"Why is that?" the boy asked suspiciously.

Chouji grinned. "Because if you don't make genin, they'll call it child abuse when I kick your ass. If you are, they'll call it training."

At that moment, Iruka entered the classroom. The boy turned away and sat down angrily, unsure of Chouji's sudden burst of confidence.

* * *

**Later that day…**

Sakura stared at the spot where Kakashi had vanished. "Sasuke?"

"Hn."

He _did _have a bit of a smirk, Sakura noticed. "Why did Kakashi look so nervous?"

Naruto looked interested as well. "Man, he surprised me when we were doing the introductions and he pulled our profile papers out of his back pocket and looked at them, looked at us, and back and forth."

Sasuke looked thoughtful – it _was_ his favorite pose…for now. "He did look a little flustered."

"A little?" Sakura asked. "He looked like someone had swapped his team with Gai's!"

"Was it something we said, you think?" Naruto asked, oblivious to Sakura's threatening stare at Sasuke.

Sasuke sighed. "Well, ok. I still can't do much jutsu with my eyes, so I was practicing genjutsu."

"What did you do?" Sakura demanded.

Sasuke stood up. "Even with genjutsu, there wasn't much I could do."

"What. Did. You. Do?" Sakura growled.

Sasuke put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "Sakura, I'm sorry to say this, but Kakashi believes that you want to kill someone and restore your clan."

Sakura's mouth dropped open. "You…you…you did NOT…"

Sasuke nodded sagely. "I switched us up as we introduced ourselves." He put both his hands on his hips. "Kakashi is probably even now going to tell the Hokage that I want to become Hokage and have the village acknowledge me."

Sakura nodded. "Oh, that means…wait a minute!"

Sasuke turned to Naruto. "Naruto, I'm sorry, but Kakashi thinks you're head over heels in love …with me."

"WHAT?"

"Oh, hell." Sakura put her face in her hands and shook her head. "No wonder he ran off like that."

NOTES FROM THE FUTURE:

**Neji:** In the future, he married a Cloud nin and moved to Kumogakure to piss off the Hyuuga clan (before Hinata took over). At one point, he wore colored contacts to give his eyes color and had a fling with Ino. Blew off most of Jyuuken as sissy and trained with Lee to develop a more devastating Hyuuga style. Returned to Konoha later and took up leadership of village security. Cajoled Hyuuga, Aburame, and Inuzuka clans to assist. Pushed to add scent and chakra signatures to bingo book to faster identify infiltration agents. Successfully entering and leaving Konoha undetected was rated an S-Rank mission.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate any comments for improving.


	3. Chapter 3

**Naruto: That Never Happened!**

Synopsis: Naruto and classmates travel back in time. Before it's too late, they must, against all odds, save the ninja world.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, but miracles could happen.

Motivation that got this chapter going: Great things were never accomplished by realistic people. – Richard Branson.

AN: This chapter and the last chapter have been difficult. They weren't part of the original crazy story that desperately wants to be written, but I just can't gloss over these early parts of the Naruto story. So, I've been trying to decide what story or character hints I can give and how…as well as have some fun with the story.

* * *

**Grading on the Bell Curve**

_At least they know how to hide_, Kakashi thought. _And play cards._

Two bells dangling from his belt jingled as he walked across Training Ground Three. _Okay, I was a little late, but aren't they a little young to kill time that way?_

His genin-to-be had vanished from sight as soon as he had begun the test. Well, two of them did. The blond kid just attacked him head on. _Typical of a brash academy graduate who hasn't fought anyone other than an academy student._ He had politely thrown Naruto into the small lake to help him come to grips with his new status.

And, because it was fun. Unless you had your own genin team, opportunities for throwing people into things that you wanted to throw them into when you were a kid just didn't come along.

He strode openly towards the memorial stone, whistling happily. _Maybe I should test academy graduates more often. But too much of a good thing can be…hmm…a good thing. How about that?_

* * *

Naruto was very wet when he got to the meetup spot, a natural hollow underneath a fallen tree. Sakura was holding one of Sasuke's eyes open wide and staring at it intently.

_Sakura's in medic mode?_ Naruto thought. "What happened?"

Sakura switched to Sasuke's other eye. "He tried to channel chakra to his eyes. Even. Though. I. SPECIFICALLY. Told. Him. NOT. To."

"Gaahhh!" Sasuke jerked. "Stop that!"

Sakura let him go but glared even harder.

Sasuke shuddered and rubbed his eyes. "Too much glare for one eye!"

"You break my rules, you get my pain. You know that."

"Are they worse?" Naruto asked Sakura.

"Yeah, her rules are worse than ever," Sasuke muttered. Sakura punched his shoulder, fortunately without much of her later strength.

"I meant your eyes, dumbass."

"Oh, those." Sasuke smirked. "I can see just fine, I just can't get my sharingan to work." He looked at Sakura. "Which, by the way, if I haven't said so before: Thank you! Thank you! for healing my eyes so I can see. It would really have been a bummer to stay blind."

Sakura smiled. "You're welcome. I'm doing the best I can with your eyes, but it would help a lot if you follow my directions. I've never treated Uchiha eyes before yours, much less after doing an ultimate doujutsu like that, so I'm borrowing what I can from what I know of other special eyes."

Naruto frowned. "Pity, I was hoping we could use your eyes for…"

"THERE you are!" Kakashi's head popped out of the ground.

In a flash, the three children had vanished into the trees.

Kakashi blinked. "Wow. They really jump when surprised." He pulled himself out of the ground and jumped onto the fallen tree. "Disturbed a planning session, did I? Excellent. 'The highest form of war is to attack the enemy's plans,' says the great sage Shih Tzu. ARE YOU LISTENING?"

"We hear you," Naruto said, appearing from behind Kakashi and grabbing him.

Kakashi _violently_ kawarimi'd like a bat out of hell, appearing at the very end of the fallen tree. He shook a finger at Naruto. "Don't you EVER get behind me like that!"

Sasuke and Sakura laughed from their hiding spots in the forest canopy. Naruto glared in the general direction of Sasuke's tree. "This is YOUR fault!"

"Hoo hoo! Ha Ha! Oh, this is too funny!" Sasuke's tree shook as he beat it, laughing uncontrollably.

"What is?" Kakashi asked.

"HE'S the one that's gay, not me," Naruto replied with a straight face.

"Huh?" Kakashi looked confused.

"GOT YOU!" A Naruto clone shouted as he appeared and grabbed Kakashi from behind.

POOF! The clone was now holding a log and Kakashi was GONE!

"I don't think he believed you," Sasuke remarked dryly.

* * *

"Are we telling Kakashi?" Sakura asked.

Sasuke cocked his head at her. "About the painted mouths that mysteriously appeared on his masks last week? Hell, no!"

"Oh, right. No, I meant about our whole…umm…trip and all."

Sasuke shrugged. "I don't think we should."

"But he's our sensei! He could help us."

"The question is," Naruto interjected, "Would he?"

The trio looked from their hiding place at Kakashi who was fending off a group of Naruto clones. A Sasuke clone was waiting, attacking at opportunity, and withdrawing, while a Sakura clone pretended to attack while reaching for the bells on Kakashi's belt.

"He just met us yesterday," Naruto continued. "We're not his team yet. We're just some kids that he has to test. If we told him now, he wouldn't know if he should believe us and would probably tell the Hokage. Or he might have us failed at least temporarily and subjected to therapy."

"Sakura," Sasuke said, "Look, I like Kakashi, and he's a great man. But I don't trust him to believe us yet."

Sakura looked sad. "But won't he be saddened when…in the future, you know…he learns we didn't trust him?"

Naruto put his hand on her shoulder. "It's not about us trusting him, at least, I don't think so. It's that we can't really tell him until he trusts us."

"Or, that he can't get away when we tell him," Sasuke added with a smile.

"So, like…maybe on the Wave mission?" Sakura asked hopefully.

"Probably. It seems like a good time to do it, but I kind of want to feel him out before we actually do it."

"Okay. I'm good with that." Sakura said. "How do we wrap up the bell test?"

"I'm going to give him his birthday present early." Naruto grinned evilly.

Sasuke grinned as well. "You mean…that birthday present?"

Naruto nodded.

"Which birthday present?" Sakura asked.

"Best one EVER!" Sasuke replied. "Oh, right, you were on that trip to Suna at the time. We were all sworn to secrecy when he recovered enough to go to the bar."

"Oh, Kami," Sakura hid her face in her hands. "That was the time he had alcohol poisoning? What on earth did you do?"

"What you are about to see…" Naruto said, "But on a larger scale…"

"This is NOT sounding like a good idea."

"I'm positive it won't be nearly as traumatic as before." Naruto insisted.

"Well, pretty positive, anyway."

* * *

Kakashi ducked out of the way as Sasuke jumped and kicked at his head. _This kid really knows how to time his attacks well_, Kakashi thought. A jingle alerted him and he spun quickly, throwing the Naruto he was holding at the two closest to him. _Crap! She nearly got me again! Oh, right, that IS the idea._

"You guys have quite some stamina," Kakashi commented.

"Uh-oh," Sasuke said, "looks like he can tell."

"We've been secretly training," one of the Naruto clones confessed.

"It's made you a little better than the graduates I've tested before. But it hasn't gotten you the bells yet. And the clock is going to ring any minute now."

The Naruto clones paused and looked at each other.

"We can't help it then: ULTIMATE FINAL ATTACK! GREEN SCREEN OF DEATH!"

And they and the Sasuke and Sakura clones tore their clothes to reveal…green spandex!

"AAARRRGGHHH!" Kakashi clawed at his eye. "NOO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

He heard a shriek and a loud thump. And poofs! He peeked between his fingers and saw the dissipating telltale smoke of clone jutsus.

And no clones.

And the blonde kid was lying motionless at the foot of a tree thirty feet away.

The other two jumped out of the tree and landed beside the fallen boy. The girl was holding her wrist and shaking her hand.

"Wait a second," Kakashi looked around, "those were ALL clones I was fighting?"

"Sorry about that," Sakura said to Kakashi, "that should have been a forbidden jutsu."

Sasuke snorted. "You're just nervous because you don't think you have all those curves."

He ducked in time.

BRRRRIIINGGGGG!

"Looks like it's over for you," Kakashi said.

"It's not like YOU have the bells," said a voice behind him.

Kakashi spun to see Sasuke standing behind him holding two bells! A clone! Kakashi reached down to check his own belt.

The bells were not there.

"And that" Sasuke said, "is why I make my own clones."

* * *

NOTES FROM THE FUTURE:

**Sasuke:** In the future, he was changed by Naruto and returned to Konoha to become a legendary Jounin. His hormones kicked in late, and Sasuke began rebuilding his clan in more villages than he intended. People made up knockoff Icha Icha stories about him, and he became the 007 of the ninja world. He doesn't know it, but that wasn't entirely his fault…

Author Notes: Thanks for reading. I appreciate any comments for improving. I wish I could write this as well as, say, Sarah1281's It's For A Good Cause, I Swear! That's an awesome story.

I did include a slightly bastardized quote with a slightly bastardized quote source. I thought the alteration to Shih Tzu might work since Kakashi's summons are dogs, and Shih Tzu could have been a dog sage...


	4. Chapter 4

**Naruto: That Never Happened!**

Synopsis: Naruto and classmates traveled back in time to save the ninja world. They might succeed...if they could get serious about it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, but miracles could happen.

AN: It's been a freaking year since I updated this? I swear I've been thinking and plotting this story and it doesn't seem that long ago since I put the last chapter in...although it does seem like I've been trying to figure out the next chapter for a long time now.

Sorry this part is taking a long time. I am trying to bridge the gap to the Chunin Exams, where many of the plot bunnies that made me write this are eagerly awaiting us. I'd love to hear if you have any suggestions or comments to help improve the story or flesh it out a little more. Thank you!

* * *

**DOKI**

"GAH!" Rock Lee exclaimed as Team Gai left their designated training area. "I forgot how... *_shudder*_ Gai-sensei was!"

"Eh, we learned to ignore it." Tenten shrugged while sharpening one of her kunai.

Neji nodded, "I still have a green blind spot in my vision."

"But...he doesn't hug _you_!" Lee shivered. "I am _so_ creeped out now."

BAMF! Konoha Jounin Maito Gai appeared in front of them in a small cloud of smoke. A small cloud. In spite of numerous requests for more cloud.

"Hello, my youthful charges!" Gai exclaimed.

"Aah!" Lee jumped behind Tenten.

Gai sighed. "Alas! There are no more missions today. But never fear, we shall train harder so that we can do more missions every day!"

"YOSH!" Lee shouted. "Oh, wait...er...okay."

"That's my Lee!" Gai sniffed. "So exuberant!" He rushed to hug Lee.

Lee held up his hand. "Gai-sensei! Wait!"

Gai stopped. "What is it?"

Lee cleared his throat. "I have overheard people saying that it is not *cough* _youthful_ for two men to hug each other. It will make it harder to...attract...potential partners."

Neji and Tenten stared at Lee. Then they glanced at each other and shook their heads. Lee's mind...somehow just could not comprehend innuendo.

Gai laughed. "That is nonsense, Lee!" He hugged Lee. "There is nothing unyouthful about this!"

"Noooo!" a voice shouted. Team Gai looked up. In one of the trees, a kunoichi in foreign garb was weeping. "It can't be!"

"Wha-?" Gai's jaw hung open.

"I thought it was just a rumor that you were into boys!" the strange kunoichi wailed. "But it's true! Waaaahh!" She turned away and fled through the trees.

Gai's face went pale. Lee suddenly found that Gai was at least three feet away.

"No!" Gai ran after the fleeing woman. "I am a true red-blooded man! I like women!"

Lee, Neji, and Tenten stared after Gai as he disappeared into the forest.

"What...was that?" Tenten asked.

Neji looked smug. "That was the Disappearing Outside Kunoichi Influence: a secret technique used to enable behavior modification. Sometimes called DOKI by those in the know."

Lee sagged. "Thanks, Neji. Hey, couldn't you have done that sooner?"

Neji shook his head and clapped Lee encouragingly on the back. "I did this for you, you know. Your comrades are only those who have been through hell with you. Now that you know the horror we went through, you are truly our comrade."

Tenten snorted. _Sure. _"Hey, Neji. How did you find out about the technique?"

Neji's smile vanished and he glowered at Tenten. She grinned. "It worked on you, didn't it?"

Neji twitched. "Uh, let's go. Orange Training needs must be done. "

* * *

**That evening, at the indoor arena...**

"Ouch," Kiba muttered, rubbing his sore muscles. "I hate Orange Training."

"But you love what it does for you in a fight, don't you?" Tenten smirked as she stretched.

"Uh-huh." Shino nodded in her direction. So did Neji, Tenten suddenly noticed. And Sasuke.

"Feeling like teenagers again, boys?" she smirked, finishing her stretches.

Neji blinked. "Umm...yeah! Good in a fight...yeah..." He cleared his throat and put on his serious face and looked over to where Shikamaru was talking to Naruto.

"We can't separate him from the rest," Shikamaru was saying, "so either he becomes aware of it or we need to get rid of him before we start the exam."

Naruto nodded. "You're right. We'll have to take him out." He stood up.

"Yo, team!" Naruto called to the group. "We need to take Kabuto out of the exams. Any ideas?"

One of Naruto's clones who was cleaning orange paint off the walls raised his hand. "Oh! Make him sick and get him a proctology exam for the day!"

"Wait!" Ino shouted. "Can I arrange something? I've had it in mind to do for years but never had a good chance."

Everyone looked at Ino and shuddered inside. Any idea from the girl who had been Morino Ibiki's student and eventual successor usually meant very bad and unusual pain and suffering for somebody. Denying such a request from her could also lead to very bad and unusual pain and suffering.

"Umm..yeah, sure." Naruto agreed. "Okay, those of you with family get yourselves home and enjoy. See you at midnight for the hospital raid."

* * *

**Dog Races Day**

Naruto froze as his team entered the Mission Assignment office to get their first mission for the day.

Madame Shijimi was there, standing off to the side as the Third Hokage assigned missions to teams.

_Thunder buckets! It's that day already?_

Sasuke and Sakura both glanced at Naruto. He nodded.

Sasuke sneezed. Everyone in the room looked at him.

Outside the room, Naruto ran up to the roof of the building and held his hand up to his left ear. "All teams, this is Froggie. T-Day is now. I repeat, T-Day is now. Surf's up."

Ino, Hinata, and Tenten froze as Naruto's call came over their radio earpieces. The civilian channel they were on was not officially monitored, although there remained a chance that someone would stumble on it.

"Umm...I have to go to the bathroom. Give me a minute," Ino stood up and told Kurenai, their team leader for this mission. Teams Kurenai, Asuma, and Gai had been...restructured into an temporary all-girl team for babysitting and a temporary all-boy team to give the Inuzuka ninken some exercise. Most ninken training was done on the Inuzuka grounds; the dogs did need to get out and become familiar with the city and the scents of its people. The D-rank mission also enabled numerous genin to become more familiar with the ninken and vice versa.

Kurenai nodded. "I need to run an errand, so – Hinata, Tenten – please watch the babies."

Ino waited until Kurenai left the house. Hinata went to the window to keep an eye out and nodded to Ino.

"Froggie, this is Marigold. Understood. I need to make a silent deposit to the ecchi's to-do list for my mission." Ino smiled in spite of the seriousness of the situation. H was such a...misunderstandable letter.

"I copy. Distraction?"

"Needed."

"Roger that. TK, Redcheek, are the barkers ready for a tiger chase?"

Shikamaru winced. TK wasn't bad in itself, but he hated the word it was short for – TopKnot.

Kiba answered. "Froggie, this is Redcheek. Barkers are cranky and may...er...slip their leashes if they see a tiger."

"TK here," Shikamaru interrupted. "Recommend Ground Zero at the Hospital intersection. Can guide tiger as necessary from there."

"Roger that, TK," Froggie replied. "Marigold, work for you?"

"Roger," Ino said. "Will shadow barker team. Marigold out."

Ino turned off her mic. Two of the babies chose to wail at that moment.

* * *

Tora ran down the side street, snorting at his would-be captors' weak attempts to catch him. Entering an intersection for one of Konoha's main streets, he paused and looked around.

Not more than thirty feet away and looking at him with GREAT interest was the bulk of the Inuzuka clan ninja dogs.

The world froze as Tora and the ninken stared at each other. Kiba, hidden from Asuma – the jounin assigned to this mission – pulled a flare gun out of one of his pouches.

BANG!

Tora fled for his life.

* * *

"What's the situation?" Kakashi asked over the radio.

"We almost had the little bugger," Sasuke growled. "He's around here somewhere."

"Oh," Sakura said, "looks like the Inuzuka Dog Races have started."

Kakashi had a sinking feeling. "Dog Races? There are dog races?"

"Yeah, the Inuzuka clan decided it would be good to have dog races in town to show off their dogs today," Naruto replied. "Cool! Maybe we'll get to see them run by or something!"

* * *

Tora instinctively leaped for higher and higher ground, until he finally was able to get on a roof and look back.

_The ninken were running up the walls! _

Tora fled like a streak of black lightning.

* * *

In the Assignment Office, Hokage Sarutobi was reassuring Madame Shijimi. _The most important thing is to remain calm and show command of the situation, _he reminded himself.

"Don't worry," Sarutobi said, "I've assigned one of my best ninja to the mission. He could even be Hokage someday." Sarutobi's elite bodyguards, Shiranui Genma and Namiashi Raido, nodded.

"Well, o-okay," Madame Shijimi said with a sigh, "That's a relief."

"MREOWL!" A small, fast shadow bolted into the room from one window and raced out through a window on the opposite side.

...

For a moment, there was total silence in the room.

...

"Genma, what was that?" the Hokage asked.

"Resident ghost, sir," the straight-faced jounin replied, rolling a senbon in his mouth, "Real pain in the ass for the nigh-"

"BARARARARRAAR!" The rest of Shiranui Genma's words were drowned out as a sea of dogs tore through the Administration Office like a flash flood. The shock wave from the flood of fur threw papers on the desk into the air in a parchment blizzard.

Then, as suddenly as it came, the canine posse was gone. Papers gently fluttered to the floor.

Once more, total silence reigned as Madame Shijimi debated internally whether or not it was safe enough to get down off the back of the chair.

Sarutobi turned slowly to look at Genma.

"Definitely *snort* ghosts," Genma cleared his throat. "The happy squeals at the end? Dead giveaway. Er, so to speak."

Sarutobi took a deep breath on his pipe. _Ten, nine, eight, seven,..._

"What is that on your face?" Madame Shijimi asked Namiashi.

He wiped the baby spit off his cheek.

"Ectoplasm. Ma'am," he said deadpan.

* * *

NOTES FROM THE FUTURE:

**Lee:** In the future, Jounin, undefeated champion of the inter-country Ninja Tournament. Let Sakura take his place one year because a Viagra prank made it…hard for him to be seen in public. Came back in time because it was the youthful thing to do.

Author Notes: Thanks for reading! I appreciate any comments or suggestions.


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